巨蟹座的女孩
最厉害就是念旧
过去的点点滴滴
都记得清清楚楚
刚刚不小心翻回旧部落格
看见了这篇初恋写给我的信
我的初恋发生在中五的时候
这封信在六年后
他终于鼓起勇气
找回我的时候说的
虽然很多人有说
不要轻易相信
但是
相不相信重要吗？
又不是可以改变什么
至少可以让我有一个答案
那是我多年来
一直挥不掉的疑问
为何他人间蒸发了
而我后来的经历也因为他变得反常
魔蝎座男孩
我们那时只牵过小手
静静地
相敬如宾
我就是喜欢这样的男生呀
不喜欢过于激进
喜欢柏拉图式爱情
为了他
我努力地修读英文
每晚哭着写日记和他谈天
就因为答应了家人要好好考试
不可以见面
我真的做到了
但是后来我们也断了线
他消失过后
我的爱情路或多或少被他影响了
有了一个阴影
到最后最重挫的一次
结束了6年感情
开始专注于自己
才慢慢从宇宙力量里
欢呼到适合自己的另一伴
故事的开端是一位魔蝎男
结束也是
就是喜欢他们的绅士风格
少许大男人
不让你做粗活
踏实地爱你
偶尔调皮
但是却很懂得尊重你
还有给予舒适适当的距离
不会太逼进
喜欢那种
两个人可以静静坐在一起
不做什么也不会无聊
能够有心灵上的交会
当然
星座不能决定一个人
每一个人有他们的不一样
并不是每一对魔蝎巨蟹配对可以成功
或许是我的魔蝎
经历过了很多聚散离别
所以特别懂得珍惜
我希望
这一切
会是永恒
最后分享的是那一封信
或许不是每一个人看懂
好笑的是
我们连一张合照也没有
所以也没有什么好留念的
只是一场旅程上路过的风景
i dont even know how to begin.. honestly..haha, cause i know its
gonna sound so stupid and i never really know why i did it too..
Remember those tvb movies where the guy who has cancer will always
push the girl away and then the audience will be like 'yau mou gau chor ar?'
..of course, in my case, i didnt have the cancer, choi~
i was really confused and i didnt handle things maturely during
then is what i can say in a simple way.. Remember i told you before, that i
would be going to Australia study for my diploma..To be honest, i really didnt
want to go.. I hated going to someplace new without friends and of course
leaving someone behind..
I know that someone once told me that if we trust in each other
and stay strong, nothing is impossible..but i guess i wasnt strong enough at
that point.. My heart and my mind was contradicting each other so badly i made
so many wrong decisions. and the first decision made was of course what lead to
the "incident"..
i honestly did felt like the 'tvb guy with cancer' ...but my heart
which knew the truth would tell me otherwise... There were times when my heart
will get stronger and i will feel so stupid and try to contact you but my
stupid 'tvb mind' will take over and say.."dont! its for the best".
and i will let the desire die out...
Do you remember once when you email me to ask for your photos
back? haha.. people usually get Dear John letters but i get emails..
I remember being so surprised when i saw your email..i was happy
but yet i cant help but feel that this could be it...this is really 'goodbye'.
Then the day came when you arrive outside my guard house.. i went
down to meet you, expecting you to be "black face" and gonna demand
for an answer...but strangely, you didnt...i guess you were too disappointed at
me until you given up hope on me.. After you left i went to the park for walk
awhile..and sat at the bench we used to sit at..still wondering if what i did
was really "for the best" ..but by then, i felt there's no turning
back anymore..
The following months, i started to go college and met new
friends...so i actually manage to forget you while i was in college.. however,
when i go home..somehow some little thing will remind me again...sometimes its
the sand clock..sometimes its the 'use hand hold together only look perfect
heart porcelain figures'...your diaries...the shell you gave me....waa~ so many
stuff! sure recall la.. haha
Maybe what you said is right, chor luen hai hou nan mong geh...I
dont know but i really never stopped thinking about that day and what could
have happened if i just followed my heart...seems a little bit too far-fetched
now right..haha..its this procrastination that i hate about myself..i like to
hide and pretend everything is ok..when it is not.
Anyway, dont be feel silly when you said you googled my name..
cause i did that too..haha XD and surprisingly..i actually managed to find
something...but it was so hard! You know you always keep everything so private
..so i had to search and search then one day, i found an online diary from some
guy which i forgot the name d..
I remember you told me about him before, that you met him during a
trip to penang hill with your friends..and he asked you those silly questions
that made you laugh..haha
I read every single post that he made...and from it i kinda
figured that you both were together for awhile..well, if not..maybe very good
good friends lor.. =P but i remember having a strange feeling when i read those
posts about all the happy times you and him were spending together..
I dont know if it was sadness, or jealousy...it must have been a
mixture of feelings because i cant even find the word to describe it..
"could this have been me if i made the different decision?"
sadly, i will never know..
but a part of me was also happy cause i thought you finally manage
to forget about me and moved on...whereas i was stuck in the past which i knew
felt so difficult * until recently when u told me u actually
"revenge" >.<
can you imagine i was so stupid that everytime i go gurney, i'd
always look 360 degrees to make sure that you are not there? cause i remember
you once saw me and i didnt see you..and i was afraid to bump into u .. But i
also wanted to bump into you and ask you face-to-face how are you and catch up
with you...but to be honest..if i did meet you back then..i'd pretend not to
see and maybe take my phone pretending to receive a call and walk the direct
opposite way..haha..
Soon after that, it must have been anger or maybe just me being
stupid..but i finally decided not to go australia to study.. maybe a part of me
was mad at my parents for constantly forcing the idea on me and making me so
'sim luan' that time that lead to me losing you that my childish self decided
to go against their decision..
So at the end of the day, i ended up losing on both sides.. really
shu dou lat foo..
i still log in my friendster and yahoo mail from time to time to
read back all the messages we sent one another last time.. still have the mp3
of you singing..if u want them i can send them to you ..haha =P
I remember searching for a particular song you sang which i really
like.. i kept searching and even hum it on www.midomi.com but still couldnt
find it...
So i listened to your voice carefully and typed out every single
pin yin in google and typed 'search'.. Miracle!! i actually found it and it was
actually a song by JJ titled Bu dong.. I think that was also the day i started
listening to JJ songs..hahaha
I dont wanna sound like I'm messaging you back to tell you how
much i regret k.. I know i missed my chance and the only place i can relive it
is in my dreams..
But chor luen is chor luen..chan hai hou nan mong ga~
I think the most major explanation i owe you would be on your 18th
birthday when i didnt call you or contacted you..
i remember that time..it was already awhile since i last contacted
you..and believe me that period was the hardest.. my uncles and aunties keep
pestering me and ask me to go aus study..and then there was you and i didnt
know what to do ... everyday i slept so early..wake up play games...and then
sleep..just wanted it all to go away and forget about it.. then it was your
birthday..
I was thinking that time..should i call you? we havent spoken for
some time..maybe you already forgot about me...but at last! i couldnt stand
it..and called you...but alas~ the number was engaged..i tried a few more times
and it still couldnt get through.. haha..i think that is why i still remember
your number till today~ 0164121249.. cause i kept pressing it repeatedly on my
house phone..
after failing to call you, i just went to bed and sleep again..i
didnt want to face reality anymore...during that week i wasted so much precious
time..if only i had called you again the next day...or even tried to email
you..i think the outcome would have been different..but i was too childish and
immature back then..i kept waiting...but no idea waiting for what also.. until
14th of july.which was 10 days after your birthday when you emailed me the Dear
John Email ..
after that i guess everything fell into place itself and become
what it is today..
Some nights, like nights like this, i am reminded that i have not
yet fully forgotten and that i still miss you.. but the person who i am and the
person whom i was is no longer the same.
In my life, i have made many mistakes but most fade away with time.
However, there is always that one tiny memory which my mind always
goes back to and every time i go back to that moment; it is as if time has
stopped and i am transported back to that moment.
Memories flash through my mind so fast that it all eventually becomes
a blur the more i try to visualize.
All that remains is just the emotions that linger on no matter how
many times i try to change it.
Sometimes i wonder...and then i stop before i even begin to
because i just could not bear the thought and the memory of what i had done and
the possibility that it would repeat itself.
I do keep tabs from time to time. closing my eyes and
transporting myself back to that time. All the moment in that short blank space
and time, feel just as real as the present to me.
And yet, when i open my eyes, i am transported back to a different
time.
For the past few years, i have been fighting a strong urge
that constantly keeps me awake at night. I wasn’t sure then.
Now, i realize that it was when i close my eyes that i am
constantly transported back in time to that memory.
I miss it and yet i also fear it for that memory only exists when
i am not ‘awake’.
I used to be able to recall my dreams with ease. Recently, i
have this feeling that i have renounce that ability.
These are attachments in which i constantly go back to in my mind.
consciously, i have moved on but subconsciously i am stuck. Does it make any
sense? i’m afraid it might not but then again what has sense done to help so
far?
Whenever there is a moment that i am not preoccupied with the task
at hand, my mind would by default wander back to that corner. And the emotion
and person that emerges from it...reminds me of the would be happiness as well
as the opposite.
Is it real? it feels real. and yet, it is all in my mind.
I try to sleep early nowadays, not to dream but so that i can wake
up earlier and in a way prevent my mind from wandering back to the memory which
i try so hard to forget.
Maybe one day, i will get the chance to fill in on that memory
with new memories.
Maybe one day we can meet again as strangers and start over.
But before that, i believe that i first have to close my
eyes and be sure that my mind doesn’t go astray again because if not, i
wouldn’t have learn anything and that is my biggest fear.
We are all living in a big time machine. Whether we like it or
not, the time machine brings us back and forth through time and only stops for
a brief moment where it latches unto the strongest memory we have.
The only solace we gain is that despite the feeling of being
helpless towards where the time machine will bring us, we can find comfort in
that at least the memories are chosen by us and no one else except ourselves.
I cannot un-remember a memory. I do not want to forget it. And
yet, my mind tells me i should. But somewhere deep inside my soul..i still go
back, every night. maybe tonight will be different.
